When I
first became pregnant, my plan was just like most other
soon-to-be-mothers – to finish my year of maternity leave, send my
little girl to a nice daycare, and return to my government job. I mean,
isn’t that what you were supposed to do after you had a baby? Everyone
told me that it would be such a relief to go back to work to get a break
and finally have some adult conversations. I heard so much advice about
how to get my baby to detach from me right from infancy (so she wouldn’t
be too clingy), how to avoid spoiling her, and so on. I fully
anticipated that I would follow all of this advice, even though it did
sound a little strange to my ears. I thought that I would have no
trouble “training” her to accept being with a childcare provider for
nine hours a day. I was told exactly how to ease her into it and to
force myself to accept it since it was the right thing to do. I thought
it would be just that easy. At least that’s what I was trying to
convince myself.
It didn’t take long before I
realized that I was different from most of my advice givers. It took a
mom-centered baby to open my eyes. My baby did not want to be with
anybody other than me and she barely tolerated her adoring dad. People
kept advising me to get her used to others holding her and taking care
of her without me, even if she cried. If I didn’t teach her independence
now then I would never be able to get away from her. I even tried this a
few times. I would leave her with my husband while I went to run
errands. I wondered why I would feel so strange and nervous without her.
When I arrived back home, my baby was always crying and my husband was
always panicking because she adamantly refused my breastmilk from a
bottle. I soon decided that it was more stressful to leave her than to
take her with me and resolved never to leave her behind. This was the
best decision I have ever made. It has led me down a path of learning,
the likes of which I had never before experienced!
There are many things that I do
that many other parents and “experts” don’t agree with, like bed
sharing, child-led weaning (including extended breastfeeding), child-led
learning, babywearing, intuitive parenting, and so on. But the one thing
that dumbfounds so many people is that I actually love spending time
with my child. And no, that is not “quality time” after work, or just
the times when my child is happy and smiling. I love it so much that I
am willing to forgo my exciting career opportunities until we are both
ready. I am willing to make a lot of material sacrifices in order to
make it a possibility. We are together around the clock, all of the
time, except for the natural separations that occur spontaneously when
she goes along with her dad or a close friend of mine. My child has no
attachment objects, pacifiers, or blankies because she has me, all of
the time.
People sometimes ask me how I
manage to have “a life” when I’m always with her. Of course, being with
my child, continually learning about her, having conversations with her,
and participating in all of the things that are interesting to her
is my life. I have more than
enough room to be me when I am with her. Only, the me that I have been
used to is now a whole lot different, and a whole lot more authentic.
Being with my child is the most authentic life I can
imagine for myself; the rest is just trying to conform to what I
supposedly should be doing. With my daughter, there is only the truth,
and reality stares me in the face. My little girl does not hold back her
feelings and wants; nor do I ask her to. She does not change her
perceptions to suit the crowd and will never say yes when she means no.
I have learned from her how to find and express my authentic self. Since
my daughter has come into my life, office politics mean nothing, gossip
is incredibly boring, ridged thinking and rules are out the window, and
my learning has skyrocketed.
It took me some time to accept
that my child is an autonomous being who deserves respect and freedom of
expression. Allowing this autonomy to develop can be messy and loud. It
doesn’t cleanly align with a world that values obedience, passivity,
complicity, and time-outs. But because I was able to follow my heart, I
now see before me a child who is tender, gentle, intuitive, attentive,
and fully expressive. I can’t see why I should want to be away from a
person like this because I am enjoying her in so many ways.
Sometimes it is not easy
existing in the community with a child who is always by my side. There
is a rigid expectation that children should only be allowed in
“kid-friendly” places and they are only barely tolerated outside of that
sphere. This unwritten rule is so prevalent that even an Attachment
Parenting workshop that I wanted to attend politely informed me that
children were not allowed! I then politely informed them that I would
not be attending. It seems strange to me that children, who are expected
to one day be fully-integrated contributors to society, are segregated
from adults until at least the age of sixteen. Parents have to
constantly search for those child-friendly play areas – which usually
are full of plastic toys, rules, and a whole lot of frustrated children
– or endure cold glares when their child participates wholeheartedly in
everyday life. Even within these kid-friendly activities, children are
segregated by age. It seems that socialization should never occur
between children more than two years apart, if that! This strange age
division continues through school and until adulthood for most children.
Even for parents who want to be with their children, everything around
them is telling them that it just isn’t right to feel that way.
I have never sat down and asked
my child if she wants me to be around, or if she would rather spend the
day with a childhood educator. It’s not one of those things that needs
to be asked because the answer is as clear as day. We spend our days
reading books, doing art, playing with other families, swimming, going
to the library, attending story times and family events, playing at the
park, having picnics, going to meet-up groups, and sometimes just
hanging around the house.
Who knows what other fun ideas
we will come up with as she grows! She never has to leave my side unless
she wants to, she never has to wake up or go to sleep unless she is
naturally inclined, she is never forced to “get along” with anyone she
doesn’t like, and if she doesn’t want to be somewhere we just leave. I
know I make mistakes all of the time, but, just like my daughter, I am
learning and growing continually. When spending each minute with a child
who’s closer than her life’s vein, a parent has no choice but to grow
and change with her. It’s the natural movement of life.
Not every day is smooth, and not
every day is easy for either of us. Sometimes my husband comes home to a
very grumpy wife and child. But somehow, every single night, we cuddle
up in bed as a family and talk, giggle, and share stories. When the
lights go out, my little one snuggles up to me, warm and comfortable,
and nurses her way into oblivion. I can’t imagine a better person to
spend all the hours of the day with. And when the rhythm of her suckling
becomes in sync with the beat of my heart, I’m certain that there is
nobody she’d rather be with, either.
Heidi Haghighi is a stay-at-home
mother, attachment parent, breastfeeding advocate, part-time doula, and
unschooler, who lives in Surrey, BC, Canada with her husband and
daughter who was almost-two when this article was written. She aspires
to become a midwife once her child (and future children) are grown.
