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Socialization: All I Really Need to Know I Learned at Home
By Melinda Roth

Back in the late 1980s, Robert Fulghum had his personal credo published. Entitled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, it soon became a hit throughout the U.S. One could find portions of it in newspapers, hear it on the radio, spot posters of it in dentist offices, churches, and even schools. In his credo, Mr. Fulghum describes all the common courtesies and life affirming lessons he learned when he was of kindergarten age. Things such as waiting his turn, sharing, holding someone’s hand while crossing the street, and that warm cookies and milk in the afternoon are a really good idea formed part of his list.

Perhaps, as he states in his title, Mr. Fulghum really did learn to share, play fair, put things back where he found them, clean up his own mess, say he’s sorry, and so on, in kindergarten. My sisters and I learned these same lessons before we ever went to school. We learned these important things at home from our family. And my children, who have never been to school, also learned them at home.

I know a mom who originally planned on homeschooling her children but sent them both to kindergarten based on Mr. Fulghum’s essay. Her actions may sound silly, but the socialization question home-based learners often get asked isn’t always about whether our kids get a chance to be with others their age. (With scouts, church activities, 4H, and all of the other things we self-directed learners get involved in, that’s an easy issue to address anyway.) Sometimes, the concern is about those little items listed in Fulghum’s essay. At a homeschoolers support group meeting the topic of socialization came up. One mom shared a story about a stranger she had met while out with her girls, ages 7 and 10, during school hours. The man asked her if the schools were closed that day. She told him no, that they homeschooled. He asked her if she didn’t worry about socialization. She put the question back to him by asking what exactly he meant by socialization. He responded that kids need to learn to stand in line, take turns, and share. She assured him that they go out to grocery stores and banks where they have to stand in line and wait their turn. She told him that they share things at home with each other and with friends. He seemed satisfied with her response and the conversation went no further.

I don’t think Mr. Fulghum was trying to imply that children must attend kindergarten in order to learn to listen, to wait, to not hit, etc. (In fact, often left off of the copies of his credo I’ve seen posted is the part where he says he learned these things in the sandbox at Sunday school). I think Mr. Fulghum was trying to point out that these lessons, that he learned at a tender age, are what really matter in learning to get along with others and live a healthy, balanced life.

Research gathered over the last 45 years indicates that whether individuals tend toward tolerance or intolerance of differences depends largely on how we are treated in our own families. Tolerance is recognizing and respecting the rights and opinions of others, whether we agree with them or not. Tolerance is at the root of socialization. It is part of the foundation to learning to get along with others. According to the research, children learn tolerance at home. Researcher Sara Bullard states, “Children who are sure of their parents’ love, who have consistent guidance in moral issues, and who have witnessed the principles of tolerance in action in their own families are likely to become open-minded and compassionate adults.” These are people who learn to listen, share, say they’re sorry and care about others. They are socialized individuals.

In his own research, social scientist James Q. Wilson states, “We learn to cope with people of the world because we learn to cope with the members of our family.” This is not a new concept. Confucius said much the same thing twenty-five hundred years ago. Often when people find out that we are home-based learners, they say, “Oh, I could never do that. Our personalities would clash.” It’s probably true. I don’t know any family that chooses to learn together at home that doesn’t have to work through personality differences within the family; all families do. By working through our differences, we come to learn to respect those differences. Families who base their learning at home spend a lot of time together; we have to learn to make it work. Parents and kids learn early on that there must be some give-and-take. And truly, this is one of the joys of home-based, life-based learning.

I have learned that continuing a home-based education beyond the pre-school years has given me and my family more opportunities to learn to get along and work things out. The issues have become more complex as my children grow into adolescence and adulthood. This is great training ground for work relationships, marriage -- anywhere we must relate to others. At home, we learn how to discuss our differences and come to agreement on how to handle any given situation. In other words, we learn social skills. People who think that the proper place to learn social skills is at school are looking in the wrong place. Schools haven’t prevented hate, prejudice, and bullying from occurring. In fact, I can’t think of a better breeding ground for anti-social behavior than the institution of school with its constant grading and ranking.

Friends, relatives, and school officials who worry that kids who don’t attend school won’t fit in don’t understand that fitting in is not the goal of socialization. Nor is being popular or being just like everyone else. Respect and compassion for others and plain old common courtesy are the goals and according to the research, whether they attend school or not, kids learn that at home. As they grow, all children will venture into the ever-widening concentric circles surrounding home. But it is how they are treated at home that will most influence how they will be in the world.

Melinda Roth and family have been embracing home-based education since the birth of their first child many years ago.

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