“Help! I’m getting so
frustrated with the endless stream of advice I get from my mother-in-law and
brother! No matter what I do, I’m doing it wrong. I love them both, but how
do I get them to stop dispensing all this unwanted advice?”
Just as your baby is an important part of your life, he is
also important to others. People who care about your baby are bonded to you
and your child in a special way that invites their counsel. Knowing this may
give you a reason to handle the interference gently, in a way that leaves
everyone’s feelings intact.
Regardless of the advice, it is your baby, and in
the end, you will raise your child the way that you think best. So it’s
rarely worth creating a war over a well-meaning person’s comments. You can
respond to unwanted advice in a variety of ways:
Listen first
It’s natural to be defensive if you feel that someone is
judging you; but chances are you are not being criticized; rather, the other
person is sharing what they feel to be valuable insight. Try to listen - you
may just learn something valuable.
Disregard
If you know that there is no convincing the other person
to change her mind, simply smile, nod, and make a non-committal response,
such as, “Interesting!” Then go about your own business...your way.
Agree
You might find one part of the advice that you agree with.
If you can, provide wholehearted agreement on that topic.
Pick your battles
If your mother-in-law insists that Baby wear a hat on your
walk to the park, go ahead and pop one on his head. This won’t have any
long-term effects except that of placating her. However, don’t capitulate on
issues that are important to you or the health or well-being of your child.
Steer clear of the topic
If your brother is pressuring you to let your baby cry to
sleep, but you would never do that, then don’t complain to him about your
baby getting you up five times the night before. If he brings up the
topic, then distraction is definitely in order, such as, “Would you like a
cup of coffee?”
Educate yourself
Knowledge is power; protect yourself and your sanity by
reading up on your parenting choices. Rely on the confidence that you are
doing your best for your baby.
Educate the other person
If your “teacher” is imparting information that you know
to be outdated or wrong, share what you’ve learned on the topic. You may be
able to open the other person’s mind. Refer to a study, book or report that
you have read.
Quote a doctor
Many people accept a point of view if a professional has
validated it. If your own pediatrician agrees with your position, say, “My
doctor said to wait until she’s at least six months before starting solids.”
If your own doctor doesn’t back your view on that issue, then refer
to another doctor - perhaps the author of a baby care book.
Be vague
You can avoid confrontation with an elusive response. For
example, if your sister asks if you’ve started potty training yet (but you
are many months away from even starting the process), you can answer with,
“We’re moving in that direction.”
Ask for advice!
Your friendly counselor is possibly an expert on a few
issues that you can agree on. Search out these points and invite guidance.
She’ll be happy that she is helping you, and you’ll be happy you have a way
to avoid a showdown about topics that you don’t agree on.
Memorize a standard response
Here’s a comment that can be said in response to almost
any piece of advice: “This may not be the right way for you, but it’s the
right way for me.”
Be honest
Try being honest about your feelings. Pick a time free of
distractions and choose your words carefully, such as, “I know how much you
love Harry, and I’m glad you spend so much time with him. I know you think
you’re helping me when you give me advice about this, but I’m comfortable
with my own approach, and I’d really appreciate if you’d understand that.”
Find a mediator
If the situation is putting a strain on your relationship
with the advice-giver, you may want to ask another person to step in for
you.
Search out like-minded friends
Join a support group or on-line club with people who share
your parenting philosophies. Talking with others who are raising their
babies in a way that is similar to your own can give you the strength to
face people who don’t understand your viewpoints.
This article is an excerpt, with permission,
from Gentle Baby Care by Elizabeth Pantley (and is (c) copyright Elizabeth
Pantley and McGraw-Hill, 2003). Visit Elizabeth’s
website.
